312pounds's Blog

OMG!!!!!!!! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!!!!!! I AM SOOOOOOO FREAKING PROUD RIGHT NOW!

I MUST update everyone on what I just did on the treadmill. Pull up a seat cause its a wild ride

So, my outlook calendar at work reminded me to do W1R2 tonight, which I wasn’t going to do, but decided there was no slacking off. I had no excuse. So I put on my workout gear, filled up my water bottle, plugged the iPod into the treadmill so I could blast my tunes and set out to do my C25k. Half way through it, I’m feeling like my legs are going to either cramp up on me or just give out. I push through it. I talked to myself…out loud….and told myself there was no way I was going to stop, I was going to finish, I was going to finish hard and I was going to give it my all. So run 5 came on. I bumped my speed up 0.5 mph. I made it. Run 6 came on. I bumped it up another 0.3 mph. I made it. Run 7 came one. I bumped my speed up 0.2 mph so that I was a full 1 mph faster than I was for the first 4 runs. I made it! And finally run 8 came on. I decided to go big or go home. I bumped it up another 1 mph. I FREAKING DID IT! I was smiling from ear to ear as I was doing my cool down for 5 minutes. I was throwing my fists in the air and telling myself that I did it. It was a proud moment for me. (Not that any of you really know my workout habits – but it was a big deal because I NEVER challenge myself to go faster or harder. I ALWAYS stick to the same speeds and am always scared that I’m going to fail if I try to go higher).

So I finish my 5 minute cool down and I decided I wasn’t done. Let me go back a little bit….while I was doing my C25k, I decided (more like followed what others are doing) that on the days I wasn’t doing my C25k program, I was going to do sprints. Well, after my cool down was finished, I decided that there was no better night to start sprints than tonight! So I told myself I was going to do 5 10 second sprints. I pumped myself up and set the speed to a 6.0 (I didn’t know if my legs would be able to handle anything higher after finishing what I just did). I sprinted for 10 seconds. I rested for 30 seconds and did another 10 second sprint. I did this my 5 times and decided I wasn’t done. I bumped it up to 6.5. Just 5 more. This time, I did a 10 second sprint, 20 second rest, so that I was doing a sprint everytime the clock hit :00 and :30. I did 6. I wasn’t done. I was motivated! Bump it up to 7.0. This time I got ballsy. 20 second sprints. I did 5 of those. Oh no. Keep going Amanda…Bumped it up to 7.5. Did 10, 10 second sprints. Well, for shits and giggles, why not try 8.0? Thats right. I did 5 more 10 second sprints at 8 freaking mph. (can you tell that I’m totally excited by now?)

And just when I thought I was done and could sweat no longer….Britney Spears motivated me. I don’t even LIKE Britney, but the song Gimme More came on and I just felt like she was talking straight to me…I swear I could hear her saying, “Gimme gimme MORE Amanda, gimme gimme.” Okay, so I’m sure I was hallucinating by this point, but just go with me. I decided I was going to jog the entire song. I could do it, right? Right! And then I would be done! I pushed through the pain and I jogged the entire song. Did you hear that, I just jogged an entire 3 minutes or so! Yeah. Nuts. I know.

Well, the iPod God’s must have been smiling down on me tonight, because the next song that came on was Rhianna’s Shut Up and Drive. I couldn’t just walk through that song too. Oh no. I had to shake my ass while singing to that song. So I kept the jog up and even through in a few dance moves while jogging. I was grinning bigger than I could have ever imagined as that song finished. And what came on next? A song that means the world to me. A song that I played over and over again after my ex-husband left, that helped me get through the lowest point of my life. A song that makes me cry every time I hear it, yet gives me the strength to pick up and move on. This song has so much meaning to me, that I had to go out on a high note. I cried the entire time, but I jogged through that song too. For the first time while listening to that song, I wasn’t crying tears of sadness, I was crying tears of joy. It was a break through moment for me. Not only am I perservering through a nasty divorce and coming out of it a stonger, better, happier person – but I just accomplished something that I never thought possible. I got out of my comfort zone and pushed myself to work harder, push stronger and be better. I finished my c25k walk/run, I did 10 minutes of sprints at speeds I never thought possible, and I jogged an entire 12 minutes without stopping or doubting myself. I did it.

Tonight, I am going to bed with a smile on my face – knowing that I am more than I ever thought I was.

1 year ago today. It has been 1 year since my husband walked out the door and told me he was leaving me. 1 year ago today I thought my entire life was over. 1 year ago, I thought I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

Little did I know that 1 year later, my life would be so much better than it ever was in my 8 years that I was married. In 1 year, I learned so much more about myself. I finally learned how to love myself. I finally learned how to live for myself. I finally learned that I am worth it.

Today marks 2 milestones for me. The milestone I want to remember is that today is the day I start my new life. Today is the day I start living as something brand new. And in year from now, I will be a stronger, healthier, more beautiful me. Today I weigh in at 289.5 lbs. Onederland is waiting for me. I will be in onederland by June 28, 2011.

It’s going to be a wild ride….

In exactly 21 minutes, May 10th will be here. It starts today. Let’s hope this is the beginning of something great!

As I lay here in bed, I can’t help but think what got me here. Was it worth it?What is going to happen next? Am I going to regret anything? Am I going to get through it? All questions that I wish I knew the answers to now, but only time will tell.

So where shall I begin? I am a girl who finds herself at the end of one journey, but at the beginning of another…at 312 pounds. Did I really just admit that? I guess that’s why I am at that number, because I never took accountability for myself, I never took accountability for my weight.

May 10th, 2010 marks a milestone in my life. On June 28th, 2009, I heard 3 words that changed my life as I knew it. “I’m leaving you.” That was the day that my husband walked out the door and never looked back. May 10th marks the day that we will make our final appearance in court to finalize our divorce. May 10th is the day that starts my new life. May 10th is the day I will start living for me.

I don’t know exactly how much I weighed when I met my husband 8 years ago, but I’m sure it was probably around the 230 range. 8 years later, I find myself tipping the scale at a morbidly obese 312 pounds. How could I do this to myself? How could I let myself go so much? I know how. I gave up. I lost all hope. I plunged into a deep dark hole that no one knew I was in, and I ate myself deeper and deeper into the ground.

Well all that is going to change. For once, I am going to be accountable for my actions and I am going to make the change that I should have made a long time ago. I hope that 1 year from now, I can see the remarkable progress I’ve made. 1 year from now, I’m going to tell the old me, remember how sad and disappointed you were? Remember how miserable your life was? It was like that because you were fat. Don’t ever let yourself get back to where you were. Embrace the new you. Love the new you. And keep fighting for the new you. You can do it and I am so damn proud of you!